Musings of a Madman
by MrPresident
Summary: I think the title says it all and if it doesn't then I can't be bothered to say the rest. *UPDATED* [B/X]
1. I Shall Dub Thee Chapter, Sir Chapterlot

**The Musings of a Madman.**

****

**Chapter One - I Shall Dub Thee Chapter, Sir Chapterlot of Englandshire.**

_Disclaimer: This story has no plot. If you had read one of my previous stories this will come as no shock to you. I just write what I think and hope for the best. Which coincidentally is the policy I use for another area of my life but there is no reason to go into that, at least for now. So if you expect this to make sense then you may be sadly disappointed. There is no moral to this story. There is no defining message I am trying to send you. I just write and you just read. That's the deal. Oh and I don't own the characters...blah...blah...you know the drill. _

"Are you okay?"

He had asked that question many times before but somehow he meant it everytime. It wasn't some polite question that society required him to ask. He really wanted to know. 

"Yeah." Buffy hesitated for just a moment before reaffirming that, "I'm fine."

"Okay." He realised that he shouldn't push it any further. If she wanted to talk then she would and nothing he or anyone else said could make her talk before she was ready. Obviously that came with the Slayer powers, or was that just a Buffy thing? He often wondered that. What exactly was Buffy-Buffy? And what was Slayer-Buffy? Maybe they were so interwoven by now that they were one and the same. Either way it didn't really matter and he cursed himself for thinking about it. She was Buffy and that was that. But still...No! He mustn't. She is Buffy. She is Buffy. She is Buffy.

"Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you repeatedly saying my name?"

Oh my God! Was I just talking out loud? Did she hear everything I just said? Am I doing it right now? He paused and looked in her direction. She seemed to be waiting for something. Waiting for him to speak. He hadn't been talking out-loud. Then how had she known he was repeatedly saying her name? He decided that denial was the best possible...he was a man after all. "I wasn't."

"You were! I saw you!"

Damn! She's calling me on it. Note to self, must get better Poker face. Wait, did she just say I saw you? She did. That must mean he had been mouthing it. Stupid mouth! Why can't it ever do what's its told. There is no time to think about that now. Must come up with a reason. Think man! Think!...Quick, she's staring at you. Maybe he should stall for time, but how? Hmm....Damn it! Why am I thinking about how to stall for time when I should coming up with a reason? Why am I thinking about why I shouldn't be thinking about stalling for time? Stop it and concentrate. Maybe I was saying something that looks like Buffy. That's it! Now I need to think of something that looks like Buffy...Duffy?...Puffy?...Puff the magic dragon?...No, that's stupid. Okay, something that looks like Buffy...Tuffy? That's not even a word...or is it? No time for that. Something that looks like Buffy...Muffy? Muffin? Muffin! That's it! I was saying Muffin. "Muffin."

"Pardon me?"

"Muffin. I was saying Muffin."

"Muffin?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want a Muffin?"

"...Yes...yes I do."

"What kind?"

What kind? Oh, crap. What kind of muffin do I want? What kinds are there?...I think I heard someone say something about poison Ivy. Poison Ivy muffin? That's got to be wrong. Chocolate? There has got to be a chocolate muffin, surely. "Chocolate?"

"Okay."

Phew.

"Chocolate chip?"

Chocolate chip? What am I thinking about? Of course, I want chocolate chip. "Yeah."

"Okay, I'll go get us some."

**_Author's Name: It's not much of a beginning I admit but then what did you expect? I think it sets the story up nicely. You don't have a clue what is going on and never do I. Perfect. If you wish to complain about this chapter or any future chapter then you know what you can do. Also if you wish to order a limited edition copy of my autobiography 'I blame it on the Milkman' then press the big button on your computer hard drive. _**


	2. Adsurdius in Extremius

**Chapter Two - Adsurdius in Extremius**

****

"Here you go." Buffy said whilst handing Xander the muffins.

They were tasty, very tasty. Dry but tasty. "These are tasty, very tasty. Dry but tasty."

"Yeah." She replied. 

"Say, Buffy?"

"Yeah." She replied again.

"Do you ever think about...you know, whether monkeys will become our masters and make us their slaves?"

She stared at Xander without showing any kind of reaction. "No." She said in a deliberately slow voice.

"Okay." Maybe I had gone too far. Why do I have to keep bringing up those damn monkeys? Planet of the Apes was just a film. It was just a film. It was just a film.

"What was just a film?"

...Stupid mother son of a bitc..."Planet of the Apes."

"Oh...Wait, is that why you keep going on about monkeys taking over the world."

"Maybe."

"It was all just a film?" She asked with a look of realisation on her face. That or she had just realised that it wasn't the chocolate chip that was making her muffin so crunchy.

"It was not just a film. It was Planet of the Apes. A classic."

"Like those other _classics you own?" She placed a lot of emphasis on the word classics._

Xander knew exactly what she was referring too. "Planet of the Apes is a different kind of classic."

"You mean the actors actually keep their clothes on?" She was smiling by now. The kind of smile that was far too rare on her face. The kind of smile that he loved.

"For the last time those...ahem..._classics are works of art."_

"Sure, Xander." She paused for effect. "Sure."

How do I get myself in these situations? One minute we are talking about monkeys taking over the world and the next we are talking about my...ahem _classics._ Wait, why did I just think ahem? No, must stick to more important issue, how to change the subject. Why is this so hard? Women make it look so damn easy. Then again women make a lot of stuff so damn easy. Taking off bras for one thing and...no, must concentrate. Oh! I got it. "Say Buffy, are you gaining weight?" 

"WHAT?" She almost leapt out of her seat.

Excellent.

"What did you say?"

"Are you gaining weight?"

This is working much better than I thought it would. She isn't even thinking about my...ahem _classics._ I did it again! 

"Are you calling me fat? Xander? Are you calling me fat?" She was reaching that high-pitch tone that verged on dog by now.

...Oops.

"No, no, of course not." Xander tried quickly to retrieve the situation.

How could I be so stupid? Remember what that stranger at the bus stop said. Never, never, call a woman fat. Then again, he did also say never put fish and jam in the same sandwich. That doesn't matter his first piece of advice was still perfectly valid. Why don't I ever listen to strangers I meet at the bus stop? Stupid Xander, stupid Xander. "Your not fat."

"But you just said you thought I was gaining weight."

Damn she's got me there. "I didn't say that." That's it. Deny, deny, deny. The three rules of manhood.

"Then what did you say?"

Think man! "I said..." Think! "I said..." Why won't you think? "I said do you have any bait?" Brilliant! 

"Bait? Do I have any bait?"

"Yeah. Bait. Fishing bait. For fishing. I need some bait for fishing." I'm a genius. You couldn't write this stuff.

"Oh." Buffy visibility relaxed. "Oh, you wanted fishing bait."

"Yes. Yes I did." 

Phew. 

**_Author's Note: _**And so Xander escapes a moment of peril and lives to make another conversational mistake. Tune in next week for the next exciting instalment of the musings of a madman!...I told you it would be weird.

****

****


	3. Changed for Legal Reasons

**Chapter Three  - Changed for Legal Reasons**

"Xander?" Said Buffy.

Why is it that she can say my name better than anyone else? There is just something about the way she says it that is...is...indescribable, which is lucky since I couldn't describe it even if it wasn't. 

"Xander? Are you listening to me?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm listening."

"I have something to tell you, something important."

Something important? This sounds...important. Best act undisturbed.

"Uh-huh."

Buffy hesitated for a moment as if she was working out the wording in her head.

Why isn't she saying anything? Oh my God! It's bad; I know it's bad. It's terrible; it is the worst news possible. I just know it. Why won't she say anything!?! Say something damn you! Say something!

"For the love of God say something!"

Not again.

"Okay, calm down Xander."

"Sorry."

"It's just that...that...it is kind of sensitive."

Sensitive? That doesn't sound like me.

"It's about you."

Me?

"You and me."

Me and Buffy? Or should that be Buffy and I? Damn stupid grammar. I know I should have paid more attention during English class, if only they hadn't sat me next to Buffy.

"What about you and me?"

"Well, it's complicated."

Complicated? Is she sure it's about me? 

"You see, we can't see each other anymore."

"We aren't seeing each other now."

What? We aren't.

"No, I didn't mean it that way."

Told you.

"I mean we can't be friends anymore."

"Why?"

"I can't go into that now."

"What do you mean you can't go into that now? You just told me we can't be friends. I think I have a right to know why."

"You do, just...I can't, not now." With that Buffy ran out of the building leaving a bewildered Xander behind.

I am bewildered, completely and totally bewildered. Why the hell doesn't she want to be friends anymore? Was it something I did? Maybe it was that prank with the toilet...but she pranked me back. No, it couldn't be that. Then what? What did I do? What did I do that was so bad?

****

**_Author's note: Man, where did that story come from? I just want to use this space to tell you that if you have any suggestions about what the story should be then by all means include them in your reviews. I ask because I don't know if you have noticed but I haven't got a clue what the hell this story is about. Also I am rather lazy and I wouldn't mind if you lot did the work I am supposed to do. And finally I would also like to use this space to insult the French; I fart in your general direction, now that is done onto the next chapter. That is unless it hasn't been written in which case use your reviews to attack me into action. I recommended comments about my poor writing ability and abysmal spelling/grammar._**


End file.
